Let's just say I've been here too many times to count.
As a teenage girl I so deeply wanted to blend in with the crowd. I remember having a secret stash of make-up that I would take to school just so I could wear it all day and then remove it before my mom picked me up. Yea not good...
Some could give their opinion and say wow you must've felt oppressed, however I was a 14 year old girl who knew no limits and my parents had rules like most. I just wanted to be like all my other friends putting on mascara and eye shadow in the school bathrooms touching up our make up even though it looked horrible!
See I had always felt different, always the outsider looking in trying so hard to be like those inside. Finally after so many years of effort and years of practice I got real good at fitting in. I was so good I could almost fool you. You would never know that the girl behind the skin tight leatherette leggings and bright purple pumps was a P.Kid who once worshiped on the altar. You would never know of the things I would have to do just to stop God's resounding voice in my head saying, "What are you doing here?" The sinful places, lust filled people and empty souls thinking, "this is life" and as much as I would partake I knew we were all going to hell.
The flesh eating desire in me to taste the world was great but my yearning soul hunger for Christ was greater.
Then I said, I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name. But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forbearing, and I could not stay.
The burning for His presence never ceased and never dwindled.
Though it took a very long time for me to get to this place it was a battle of many years to be honest. A battle fought even after I had decided to change my life. A battle the enemy didn't want me to win, and battle I am still reminded of yet proudly I wear the scars of my almost defeat.
Because Jesus helped me win this battle.
The battle didn't end with the end of sin. Choosing to live only for Christ was actually the very beginning. You see the devil never cares to bother you when you're living in his world. It's when you decide to leave that he begins to charge the interest you've accrued. I won't begin to list the high prices I paid and the consequence faced for my sins but it only led to a shattered life, endless temptations and thoughts of unworthiness that were so constant and loud that at one point I remember thinking I was going crazy.
I told God on my knees crying and yearning for answers that I needed help. That I didn't have the strength and that without Him I would give in. I didn't just need freedom from spiritual oppression I needed him to piece my life, all of my life, back together.
33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
I knew I would overcome with Him but I would think of how I could get closer to Him. How could I defeat my anguish, my sadness, my disappointment, and all my sorrows?
As unworthy and broken as I felt, I began to worship.
But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.
It was in the middle of my worship that my wounds began to heal. The walls that I could not over come suddenly began to grow small and in my worship, through the pain and through the struggle I found my peace and my strength.
In my worship I found freedom. All along the devil had made me think I was too unworthy to worship and that I would never have a music ministry again. I would never sing for the Lord again as I was "unworthy," but the devil is liar. He knew if I worshiped I would find strength. He knew that in my worship I would find Jesus.
So here is my quite simple answer though I know how difficult it may be to do.
In the middle of the pain, worship.
In the midst of your defeat, worship.
When the world is crashing down, worship.
When you feel like you've lost it all, worship.
He inhabits in your worship and where He is, there is freedom.
To conclude all I can say is that no matter what you've gone through, how unworthy you may feel or how bad that current world shaking situation you might be facing is, you are never too broken to be used by God. It's our most broken moments where we shine in our greatest victories!
Just look at where my journey has led me.
Never give up.
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