Today I woke up with this thought in mind.
We all struggle.
Thought 2. No one wants to share their struggle.
It’s uncommon and rarely seen because it’s so much nicer and easier to share the fun, the happy and the pretty parts of life. Truth be told major parts of the Bible reflect on struggle. Just imagine how many amazing verses we would’ve lucked out on had King David not shared his struggle with us. So to add to that I’m sharing some of my struggles with you today. I just like all people wrestle with negative thoughts, I waiver, I doubt and so forth. I actually happen to think I’m more flawed than most people but that’s probably my subconscious... 😏 she’s really hard on me.
One thing I always seem to have to work on is letting go of past choices that I’ve made that we’re wrong. I’ve made lots of them! I ran away from home once, that ended up horribly. My teen years were filled with dozens of arguments with my parents. My temper was horrible and I was really mean to my sister when she was younger. So many things that by the grace of God have changed drastically but I still remember them and I guess at times the scares of the people I’ve hurt remain. The regret of knowing I cannot change what I’ve done and the strive to grow past it is the hard part. Those are just a few mentioned there’s a whole other list where I’ve let God down tremendously but for the sake of my own self esteem I won’t go that far today. See, it’s really easy to tell people be strong, be brave, let go of the past but it really isn’t that simple. I've come to realize I’m still healing. Healing from the things others have wrongfully done to me and healing from the things I’ve wrongfully done to myself as well as others. It’s a process, a long one and sometimes it’s slow. I’ve found strength in prayer and reading His word. Sometimes I read the same verse over 10 times to really observe it and let it sink in. I’ve also learned to pray differently than how I did 10 years ago. Now when I pray I really keep God’s will in mind. I know all too well how much trouble my own will has gotten me into so I ask Him to make me the woman He wants me to be. The wife my husband needs, the mother my kids need and the servant He desires. I really don’t like the person I am without God. I’ve found that on my own I’m extremely selfish and careless. The combination of those two traits were horrible adding wild child to the mix you had a non stop, no limits, life is party girl. If anyone truly knew me there would no doubt that God exists. The fact that He’s changed a heart like mine is more than enough proof for me. I am my own testimony of His power, love and grace. I cling to that very grace for the life of me. It keeps me and I love it.
To tell you that those are my only struggles would be a lie. I wrestle with doubt, spiritual opresión that I know tries to wiggle its way into my life at times. Some days it seems stronger than others. As a mom of 3, a worship leader at my church, a pastors daughter (I work with my dad a lot), a business co-owner, and a wife I have moments filled with anxiety. When sleep is scarce and there’s work to be done you kind of crack a bit. When your 3 kids are crying all at the same time you consider joining in. When you miss date night with your husband because you can’t find the time. When your having a bad day and feel ugly. It truly is never ending but after all’s said and done I lay in bed, hug my pillow real tight sometimes completely broken down and tell God, “don’t leave me.” I can outlive anything but that. I know that without Him my strength would be gone. So hold on a little longer Jesus fam. Hold on busy mom. Hold on tired college student. Hold on. There are struggles in all parts of life but just know that at the very least your not alone and God is with you. Even when it’s quite and even in the loud clamoring chaos, He is there. Let your spirit break in his hands and watch the master planner mold you back together. Your most beautiful moment, our most beautiful moments are just that. To know that both you and I need Jesus to continue to grow is wonderful. To know that He is always faithful to those who fear Him is a blessing. To know that now I don't depend on the pattern of my bad choices but instead I have a desire to thrive and be kingdom minded is all because of His great love.
I leave you with this...
You will never be more beautiful than when you are broken.
Let him hold you.
Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
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